WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
You Might Also Like
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.