Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
You Might Also Like
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
No, YOUR illiterate.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals