Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money