It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.