*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.