“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I thought this was funny lol
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I’m not lazy
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)