A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.