Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Put this video in the Louvre
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.