Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
You Might Also Like
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I unironically love this joke.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.