Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Pizza is an emotion right?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.