The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
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make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Moms. The original autocorrect.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode