getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.