This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
SF is the wild wild west man
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.