adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
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My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks