adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
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[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird