Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.