4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Worth the read.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo