MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Sending in my taxes
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]