Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
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Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing