A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.