I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Was it something I said?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.