On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
sigh
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*