In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
#growingpains
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.