Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
When libraries troll their patrons.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible