Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.