Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
This is a sub tweet
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.