Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants


“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken


My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.


MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”


I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.


If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.


Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.


I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.