Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.