An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me