[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
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Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*