eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.