Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
You Might Also Like
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Oh my God.