If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*