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Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.