@OneFunnyMummy
@slimmy_shady My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
You Might Also Like
@slimmy_shady 
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
@thefurlinator “I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
@SinghSahaaaab Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
@samalmightysam If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
@Fish4EDM 9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
@TheToddWilliams FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
@ristolable A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
@ParkerMolloy Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
