Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what