I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
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The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.