If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
This squirrel eats better than I do
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Yup.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.