bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
crochet youtube is brutal
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood