bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
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Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
some things should go without saying
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
New favorite tiktok
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point