For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
good work, detective
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me trying to reach for my goals