still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat