[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
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Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
what are they serving at kfc then???
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*