Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
You’ll be OK
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…