Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?