Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like