[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
plums roundup
Don’t make me out nice you.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.