*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
You Might Also Like
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.