I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.