The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
You Might Also Like
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…