My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.