Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Thank you corporation very cool

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.