Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at a party:

*eats*
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*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
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*repeat for duration of party*
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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*go back once more*

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”