Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
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The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”