God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Sooo many times…..
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs