The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me