bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.