[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
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I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
March 16
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.